From Ted Klontz
I’m often asked what financial enabling looks like. The most recent example I’ve run across occurred last week. I had dinner the other night with a man I will call Martin; a man that I have known for more than a decade. He asked me what was on the cutting edge of my work with money. After my sharing that, Martin told me that what was on the cutting edge of his behaviors around money.
It seems that recently his 23 year old son was drunk once again and wrecked his car. It was the fifth car he had wrecked. It was the fifth car his dad had purchased for him. Martin was trying to resist purchasing another car and was also feeling some pressure to buy a better house for his son, his son’s wife and their four children.
His son has been involved with alcohol and other drugs for nearly a decade going through a number of treatment centers. His son and his family live in a small two bedroom home. Now his unemployed son has nothing to drive, so that if he wanted to work he would have to walk, get a ride, ride a bicycle, etc. Worse yet, Martin’s grandchildren and daughter-in-law are profoundly affected by his son’s choices over the years.
Martin has several million dollars that he has earned by working and investing wisely over the last 30 years. On one hand Martin’s clear experience has been that when he has used his money in an attempt to bail out his son, every attempt to help has ended in a disaster, with each one being worse than before. On the other hand Martin has the money to help his son and his family.
Martin knows that bailing his son out yet again would probably not help in the long run and yet he struggles to make a decision. Why is that? Without knowing Martin better it would be hard to say for sure, but my experience tells me that very often there are significant levels of guilt and shame for not being a better parent throughout the years. Unconsciously, money is used in an attempt to “make up for” these mistakes. Money is used in an unsuccessful attempt to buy a sense of forgiveness and peace. Another source of the struggle is that Martin has more than he needs, making it very difficult not to help when he has so much.
Martin’s past behavior is a perfect example of financial enabling. Enabling always has unexpected and unintended consequences. Though well-meaning, by financially supporting his son’s inappropriate behaviors Martin is actually reinforcing them. By his behaviors, Martin is denying his grandchildren a father. He is robbing his son of his self-worth.
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