Making Changes Stick

From Brad Klontz    

Change can be tough. Just ask Joseph. Last month he tipped the scales at 250 pounds and was diagnosed with adult-onset diabetes. His doctor warned him that he will face dire consequences unless he takes immediate steps to eat better, lose weight, and begin exercising. Unless he gets his diabetes under control, Joseph could quickly end up with heart disease, kidney damage, nerve damage, and blindness. But old habits are hard to break- even when we know better. Despite the best of intentions, Joseph just can’t seem to say no to fast food. Drive thru is just so convenient. Besides, healthy foods can be expensive and take a lot of time to prepare. Exercise is tough too. After all, Joseph works long hours and the free time he does have is spent taking care of the kids. It is so hard to get motivated.

Joseph is not alone. Many of us know we should make one or more changes in our lives. Perhaps the change is something we should do more of, such as exercising, eating healthier, or spending more time with family. Maybe the change is something we should do less of or not at all, such as smoking, overeating, or excessive spending. Most of us can identify something we know we should do differently. We can also give a laundry list of all the reasons we should make the change- to improve our health, to increase our lifespan, to improve our relationships. We know exactly what we should do, but we just aren’t able to make the change stick.

Research has shown that for change to occur, three conditions must be met. First, we must be sure that the change is important to make. After all, changing habits can take a great deal of time and effort. If there are no convincing benefits to making a change, it is just much easier to maintain the status quo. Second, we must feel confident that we have the ability to make the change happen. If we don’t believe we have the knowledge or skills it takes to make a change, it is likely that we won’t even bother trying. After all, it makes much more sense to just stay at home than start a journey to a destination we are convinced we can’t reach. Third, we must be mentally, physically, and emotionally ready to make the change.

The fact is, if there is something we know we should change but we haven’t done so, we may not be ready because we are actually ambivalent about making the change. There is part of us that wants to change, and part of us that doesn’t. While we can see benefits for moving forward, there is a payoff for staying exactly where we are. For Joseph, the idea of a longer and healthier life was certainly attractive. On the other hand, he resented the idea of having to cut back on eating the food he loves, one of his favorite pleasures, and just the idea of taking up jogging made his knees ache. To motivate ourselves towards change, it is helpful to acknowledge the benefits for our staying exactly where we are. Ignoring this reality can increase our chances of slipping back into old behaviors, as we may grow to resent the sacrifices we have made. Exploring our ambivalence, perhaps by making a list of pros and cons for making a change, can help us get clear about whether or not the change is important enough for us to make.

Here are some additional considerations in deciding whether to make a change and figuring out how to make a change stick.

 

No one can make you change. Whether you are getting pressure to change from a doctor, boss, partner, parent, or parole officer, no one can make the change for you. Ultimately, your life is your own, and you have the right to change your behaviors or not. Of course, on the right hand of freedom is responsibility. Your body, family, friends, or society might hold you accountable for your decision not to change.

Recognize that setbacks are normal. Ever made a New Year’s Resolution? Research shows that to sustain six months of change, the average person makes 3-5 years of consecutive pledges to change. Knowing that he may slip along the way will keep Joseph from feeling ashamed of himself on the day he says yes to a double cheeseburger. Shame is a poor motivator and typically results in longer and more extreme periods of regression.

Visualize what your life will look like after you make the change. Use words or pictures to create a clear vision of how you would like things to be after you have put the change in place. How will your life be improved? How will you feel? What will you do differently?

Think about a time in your life when you have been successful at making a difficult change. What resources did you use? What personal strengths did you call on to make it happen? Who was supportive of you making the change? How can you use your strengths and resources to help you reach your current goal?

The Tao Te Ching- an ancient Chinese Taoist text- asks: “Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?” Recent research has proven the wisdom of this approach. Successful change is all about timing. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t rush into making a change until you are ready to do so. There are benefits to embracing and exploring one’s ambivalence. There is much to be learned in the space between thought and action.

Comments

[Kathleen Burns Kingsbury]

Great blog on change! Working with women around self care including food and weight issues as well as money ones, I have witnessed many times how a person will change when the time is right. In the meantime, looking at what makes change attractive as well as what makes change not so appealing is so important.

Thanks for giving us all permission to be ambivalent!

Kathleen
kbkconnections.com