My Money Scripts

Little Kids, Chickens, and My Brain

From Ted Klontz

 

I went to a nursery school the other day with a friend to pick up her two-year old.  As we approached the classroom, I noticed the lights were out.  Looking in the window I could tell it was ‘quiet time’.  All the little ones were lying down on tiny mats, which were strategically placed around the room so as to provide enough distance so they couldn’t see each other and thus be able to rest.

I was sort of surprised when my friend opened the door, walked in and greeted her son.  Within minutes all the kids were up; talking, chatting, and moving around the room.  I was thinking that the children must not have wanted to be left out of the action.  They were coming up to the various adults in the room with innumerable requests to ‘have’ this, or ‘show’ that.

In that moment, the noise level from the kid’s behaviors of “look at me” and “notice me” reminded me of when, as a youngster, one of my jobs was to sleep with the chickens during the Greene County Fair.  My grandfather was the head of the poultry department and for the 6-day run of the fair one of my duties was to feed and water, what seemed to be a hundred chickens, twice a day.  The other duty was to try to sleep in the chicken barn, right amongst them, once the fair closed down for the night to make sure no one broke in and created any chaos. 

As I remember it, the chickens would finally get quiet shortly after the carnival rides finally closed down for the evening, which was at 1:00AM or so.  I would crawl onto my cot, and try to go to sleep.  It never failed that about 4:00AM there would always be one rooster that would start the day off by letting loose one long loud crow.  Hoping against hope, I would lie there and pray that the other chickens wouldn’t follow suit, but it never happened.  Within 10 minutes every chicken in the place was doing their ‘chicken thing’, so I would get up and begin watering and feeding them all the while wishing for more sleep.  Because once awake, there was no getting them to go quiet again. 

What do these two stories have to do with anything?  During these interesting economic times I have been frequently asked for my opinion on how things got to be this way.  So many people, doing so many self-destructive and self-defeating things financially.  What I have concluded is that the worse thing that we as human beings can imagine is to be left out.  So, if it seems that a number of our friends are doing something (buying a ‘hot’ stock, flipping houses, buying things they can’t afford with credit cards, etc.) and it seems to be working for them, like the little kids and the chickens we want to be a part of the ‘flock’, desperately not wanting to be forgotten.

40,000 years ago being banned, shunned or forgotten by the group would have meant certain death.  The more stress we experience (i.e. stress about not belonging or having a place to belong) the more this primitive part of our brain still operates as if this is true and dominates our thinking and our choices.

Achieve Greater Success with a Mentor

From Brad Klontz

The best and brightest among us have them. In fact, it is difficult to find a successful man or woman who does not. They may be acquaintances, family members, neighbors, or friends. They go by many different names and titles--mentor, coach, advisor, guide, teacher, counselor, or trainer. Or they may be hired professionals. Tiger Woods, thought by many to be the greatest golfer of all time, has a golf coach. Imagine that--the best golfer in the world taking instruction from a coach who he could easily defeat on the golf course. NASCAR’s Jeff Gordon has a team of coaches. Former number one tennis great and winner of eight Grand Slam singles titles, Andre Agassi, worked with a coach throughout his career. Professional boxers work with an entire team of trainers and coaches who are in their corner. Bill Gates, one of the wealthiest men in the world was mentored by none other than Warren Buffett, one of the most successful stock market investors in history. Did Warren Buffett have a mentor? You bet he did. Warren Buffett was mentored by Benjamin Graham, author of the Intelligent Investor, the father of modern security analysis and value investing.

Why do the best performers have mentors?  Master performers recognize that it can be difficult to see their own limitations. They also know that an objective observer can more easily identify these roadblocks to success. For example, men have a tendency to attribute excessive blame for failure on factors outside of themselves (e.g. “The wind was blowing too hard,” or “Those people don’t know a good thing when they see one,”), while women have a tendency to overestimate the degree to which they are at fault (e.g. “If only I were stronger/smarter/etc.”). Both errors can have a negative impact on performance, and can be hard to see from the inside. Secondly, exceptional performers know that there is always room for improvement, even when they are the best in the world! Finally, because they are human, even masters go through periods of crisis, slumps, downturns, where they perform below their peak. Mentors help them through these difficult times.

All master performers started out as rookies. Natural talent, desire, and dedication are not enough. They must be coupled with knowledge, skill, and confidence that are best achieved under the guidance of coaches and mentors. Human beings have been perfecting certain skills and mindsets through the centuries. It has often been said that there is no such thing as an original thought, illustrating the idea that humankind has a massive collective store of knowledge. Thus it is beneficial to anyone trying to achieve a particular goal to tap into this collective wisdom. Regardless of the complexity of the situation you face, or the goal you would like to achieve, others have successfully navigated similar situations in the past. Rather than starting out on a journey towards a destination without a map or compass, following a process of trial and error, one of the most efficient ways to achieve a goal is by looking to a guide who has already made the journey.

So how do you go about finding a mentor? First, it is important to decide what you would like to achieve. Are you looking to rise in your profession, expand your business, improve your relationships, enjoy greater physical, emotional, or financial health, or improve your overall performance? Or are you looking to gain a specific set of knowledge or skills, such as learning to play the guitar, getting a grip on your finances, improving your speaking skills, or learning about good nutrition? Once you have decided what you would like to achieve, set your intention on finding someone who has already achieved this goal, is farther ahead in achieving the goal than you are, or has helped others to achieve it.

There is a Buddhist proverb that says “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.” Once you have set your goal and you are committed to finding a mentor, you are well on your way to achieving your goal. When you open your mind to finding a mentor, you may be surprised to learn that you already have this teacher in your life--an acquaintance, friend, or family member--but perhaps you have not utilized them as a resource. Or maybe you can identify a person you’ve heard of, who has achieved what you would like to achieve, to ask for guidance. Many master performers will make use of several mentors or trusted advisors, each with an expertise in a particular area that is important to their success. You can improve your performance by either hiring a professional mentor or contacting someone you don’t know asking them to share with you some insight, wisdom, or advice. While you might be hesitant to ask someone for this type of support, rest assured that there is no greater compliment you can give than to recognize someone’s achievements and to ask them for guidance. If they can’t take on another mentee or client, they may be willing to refer you to someone they recognize as equally effective. Streamline your efforts, improve your life, and increase the likelihood of achieving your goals by finding a mentor. You won’t regret it!

Making Changes Stick

From Brad Klontz    

Change can be tough. Just ask Joseph. Last month he tipped the scales at 250 pounds and was diagnosed with adult-onset diabetes. His doctor warned him that he will face dire consequences unless he takes immediate steps to eat better, lose weight, and begin exercising. Unless he gets his diabetes under control, Joseph could quickly end up with heart disease, kidney damage, nerve damage, and blindness. But old habits are hard to break- even when we know better. Despite the best of intentions, Joseph just can’t seem to say no to fast food. Drive thru is just so convenient. Besides, healthy foods can be expensive and take a lot of time to prepare. Exercise is tough too. After all, Joseph works long hours and the free time he does have is spent taking care of the kids. It is so hard to get motivated.

Joseph is not alone. Many of us know we should make one or more changes in our lives. Perhaps the change is something we should do more of, such as exercising, eating healthier, or spending more time with family. Maybe the change is something we should do less of or not at all, such as smoking, overeating, or excessive spending. Most of us can identify something we know we should do differently. We can also give a laundry list of all the reasons we should make the change- to improve our health, to increase our lifespan, to improve our relationships. We know exactly what we should do, but we just aren’t able to make the change stick.

Research has shown that for change to occur, three conditions must be met. First, we must be sure that the change is important to make. After all, changing habits can take a great deal of time and effort. If there are no convincing benefits to making a change, it is just much easier to maintain the status quo. Second, we must feel confident that we have the ability to make the change happen. If we don’t believe we have the knowledge or skills it takes to make a change, it is likely that we won’t even bother trying. After all, it makes much more sense to just stay at home than start a journey to a destination we are convinced we can’t reach. Third, we must be mentally, physically, and emotionally ready to make the change.

The fact is, if there is something we know we should change but we haven’t done so, we may not be ready because we are actually ambivalent about making the change. There is part of us that wants to change, and part of us that doesn’t. While we can see benefits for moving forward, there is a payoff for staying exactly where we are. For Joseph, the idea of a longer and healthier life was certainly attractive. On the other hand, he resented the idea of having to cut back on eating the food he loves, one of his favorite pleasures, and just the idea of taking up jogging made his knees ache. To motivate ourselves towards change, it is helpful to acknowledge the benefits for our staying exactly where we are. Ignoring this reality can increase our chances of slipping back into old behaviors, as we may grow to resent the sacrifices we have made. Exploring our ambivalence, perhaps by making a list of pros and cons for making a change, can help us get clear about whether or not the change is important enough for us to make.

Here are some additional considerations in deciding whether to make a change and figuring out how to make a change stick.

 

No one can make you change. Whether you are getting pressure to change from a doctor, boss, partner, parent, or parole officer, no one can make the change for you. Ultimately, your life is your own, and you have the right to change your behaviors or not. Of course, on the right hand of freedom is responsibility. Your body, family, friends, or society might hold you accountable for your decision not to change.

Recognize that setbacks are normal. Ever made a New Year’s Resolution? Research shows that to sustain six months of change, the average person makes 3-5 years of consecutive pledges to change. Knowing that he may slip along the way will keep Joseph from feeling ashamed of himself on the day he says yes to a double cheeseburger. Shame is a poor motivator and typically results in longer and more extreme periods of regression.

Visualize what your life will look like after you make the change. Use words or pictures to create a clear vision of how you would like things to be after you have put the change in place. How will your life be improved? How will you feel? What will you do differently?

Think about a time in your life when you have been successful at making a difficult change. What resources did you use? What personal strengths did you call on to make it happen? Who was supportive of you making the change? How can you use your strengths and resources to help you reach your current goal?

The Tao Te Ching- an ancient Chinese Taoist text- asks: “Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?” Recent research has proven the wisdom of this approach. Successful change is all about timing. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t rush into making a change until you are ready to do so. There are benefits to embracing and exploring one’s ambivalence. There is much to be learned in the space between thought and action.

What Gets Fed

From Ted Klontz

This crossed my desk recently and I thought it would be a good idea to pass it on to our readers.  I know I needed to hear this type of thing again.  I would like to give credit to the author, but none was mentioned.

The story goes:

An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandson about life.  One day he said to him: “I want you to know that a fight is going on inside of me.  It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.”

“One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.  The other represents joy, peace, love hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth compassion and faith”.

The grandson said, “Grandfather, how terrible.”

Grandfather paused for a moment and then continued.  “I tell you this because I want you to understand that this same fight is going on inside you and every other person too.”

The grandson quickly asked “Grandfather, which one will win?”

Grandfather replied, “The one you feed”.

Redemption

From Ted Klontz

A friend called me from London and asked if I would consider presenting at a conference she was helping organize, called “Be the Change”.  She knew of our work and our book, “The Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge” that uses Charles Dickens’s “A Christmas Carol” to explain our perspective of how to help people change their destructive financial behaviors.

After quite an extended and engaging conversation, she asked if it would be possible to make my points during the presentation without mentioning the name of Scrooge, our book, or the Christmas Carol metaphor.

Somewhat taken aback, I thought, “Here I will be in London, the home of Charles Dickens, the source of much of his work, and they don’t want me to mention him at all? What’s that all about?”

So, I asked why.  She said “The people who will be attending are very informed, caring, evolved, involved people”, and finished that statement with an adamant “We are not Scrooges!!!”

My response was, “I know you, and if the people who will be attending the conference are anything like you, you are all in fact, very much Scrooge like.”

 

After a very long silence, she responded with a measured coldness that I had not encountered before, “What do you mean?” 

I said “You are very much like Scrooge, the Scrooge at the end of the story.” 

Another long silence and she said “I never thought of Scrooge that way.”

I went on to say that I saw the story of Scrooge as one of redemption and one that gave great hope for all of us no matter how old we were and how fixed we were in our ways.

Her initial reaction to the story of Scrooge is actually very common.  For some reason, very few people consider Scrooge to be an enviable man, yet by the end of the story he has become as good a person as can be imagined.

The moral of this story for me?  Redemption.  I ask for people to judge me on how I am today, rather than judge me for how I might have been in the past; in other words asking them to give me the gift of redemption.  I too am frequently challenged to give that gift to others who have hurt or betrayed me.

Financial Infidelity: The Little Green Lies We Tell

From Brad Klontz

Do you keep money secrets from your partner? Do you spend money without your partner’s knowledge? Do you hide your purchases from your partner? Do you tell your partner you spent less on something than you actually did? Do you have secret stashes of money that your partner knows nothing about? Have you made investment decisions behind your partner’s back?  If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be putting your relationship at risk by committing acts of financial infidelity.

In a survey of 1,001 people commissioned by Money Magazine, forty percent of the respondents admitted that they have told their partner that they paid less for a purchase than they actually did. Sixteen percent confessed to buying something that they did not want their spouse to know about.

While both men and woman admitted to financial dishonesty, women were more likely to tell their husbands that they paid less than they actually did for clothing and gifts, while men minimized their spending on cars, entertainment, and sporting events. Almost twice as many men admitted that they had spent over $1,000 without their wife’s knowledge, while women were more likely to say that the most they had spent without telling their husbands was $100.

Forty-five percent of those who admitted being deceitful around spending stated that they were not honest about their spending in order to avoid their partner’s anger, disapproval or lecturing. In the same survey, 44 percent reported that they believe it is okay to keep financial secrets from their spouses.

It is not surprising that people keep secrets about money. Many couples avoid talking about money because it is such an emotionally loaded issue. If and when financial infidelity is discovered by one of the partners, it rocks the very foundation of their relationship. “If he/she is being deceitful about this, what else are they lying to me about?”

Financial infidelity is such a common issue in our work with couples that my father and business partner, Ted Klontz, Ph.D., and I developed a four step process for addressing financial infidelity in relationships, which uses the acronym SAFE:

  S: Speak Your Truth. Talking about money and our financial behaviors is a taboo topic in our culture. We find that people are often more willing to talk about their sex lives than their financial lives. Many of us carry significant shame around money, often because we think we have too much or too little. The first step to establishing financial safety in your relationship is to sit down with your partner and talk about money; what it means, your early money experiences, your preferred spending/saving style, and your financial goals.

  A: Agree to a Plan. Many acts of financial infidelity occur with couples who lack explicit agreed-upon strategies of spending and saving. A comprehensive spending plan is an essential component of a healthy financial relationship. It is helpful for couples to agree on the amount of money that each can spend without needing to consult with their partner. When a potential purchase goes above the agreed upon amount, the couple agrees to consult with each other prior to making the purchase.

  F: Follow the Agreement. It sounds simple, but this is the hard part. An agreement is only as good as a couple’s commitment to honoring it. It is helpful in the beginning to set up the agreement to be valid for the next 30-60 days. After the agreed upon period of time, the couple meets and answers these three questions: Is the plan working for me? Is it working for you? Is it working for our relationship? If either person in the couple answers “no” to any of these questions, the couple should renegotiate their plan.

  E: Establish an Emergency Response Plan. If couples find that they can’t talk about money without fighting, can’t come to an agreement, or can’t keep their agreements about money, they may be in trouble. As such, it is important to have an Emergency Response Plan, which goes into effect when these types of difficulties arise.  This plan identifies, ahead of time, what the couple will do when they arrive at an impasse. For example, when a couple cannot arrive at or adhere to a plan, the Emergency Response Plan might include an agreement to seek help from a psychologist, pastor, social worker, or marriage and family therapist.

With money being the number one cause of marital conflict and the number one cause of divorce in the early years of marriage, couples cannot afford to be financially unfaithful. Use the SAFE process to establish an agreement around money with your partner to maintain financial fidelity in your relationship.   

Having It All

From Ted Klontz

I met a wonderful lady a few years ago who said she wanted to work with me.  After discussing the details, I asked what she was looking for.  She said, “Though I have all of the money anyone could ever imagine, it is all so meaningless, I have no friends and my children hate me.”  In the years since we have been working together, she continues to get little pieces of what she had been seeking in terms of quality connections to her family and friends.

I was reminded of this conversation during a recent visit to Corsica.  We were working with a couple there.  Their hillside home looks out over a spectacular 210 degree view of the Mediterranean and sland of Corsica.  There are million dollar views and then there are priceless views.  This was one of those priceless ones.  As we were talking late in the afternoon one day, the wife said “It is hard to believe that we have so much.  Look at this view, look at the house we get to live in, and yet we are so very unhappy, to the point where I feel sad when I see this, instead of happy”.

What these precious folks have taught me is that fame, wealth, gorgeous homes and views can never give me what matters most, quality relationships with my friends, and family.  I am grateful for that lesson, without having to pay the huge price others have had to pay to find these truths.  I am also reminded that lessons such as these are available if I pay attention. 

Financial Enabling

From Ted Klontz

I’m often asked what financial enabling looks like.  The most recent example I’ve run across occurred last week.  I had dinner the other night with a man I will call Martin; a man that I have known for more than a decade.  He asked me what was on the cutting edge of my work with money.  After my sharing that, Martin told me that what was on the cutting edge of his behaviors around money.

It seems that recently his 23 year old son was drunk once again and wrecked his car.  It was the fifth car he had wrecked.  It was the fifth car his dad had purchased for him.  Martin was trying to resist purchasing another car and was also feeling some pressure to buy a better house for his son, his son’s wife and their four children.

His son has been involved with alcohol and other drugs for nearly a decade going through a number of treatment centers.  His son and his family live in a small two bedroom home.  Now his unemployed son has nothing to drive, so that if he wanted to work he would have to walk, get a ride, ride a bicycle, etc.  Worse yet, Martin’s grandchildren and daughter-in-law are profoundly affected by his son’s choices over the years.

Martin has several million dollars that he has earned by working and investing wisely over the last 30 years.  On one hand Martin’s clear experience has been that when he has used his money in an attempt to bail out his son, every attempt to help has ended in a disaster, with each one being worse than before.  On the other hand Martin has the money to help his son and his family. 

Martin knows that bailing his son out yet again would probably not help in the long run and yet he struggles to make a decision.  Why is that?  Without knowing Martin better it would be hard to say for sure, but my experience tells me that very often there are significant levels of guilt and shame for not being a better parent throughout the years.  Unconsciously, money is used in an attempt to “make up for” these mistakes.  Money is used in an unsuccessful attempt to buy a sense of forgiveness and peace. Another source of the struggle is that Martin has more than he needs, making it very difficult not to help when he has so much. 

Martin’s past behavior is a perfect example of financial enabling.  Enabling always has unexpected and unintended consequences.  Though well-meaning, by financially supporting his son’s inappropriate behaviors Martin is actually reinforcing them.  By his behaviors, Martin is denying his grandchildren a father.  He is robbing his son of his self-worth. 

Birthday in Guatamala

From Ted

I recently returned from a trip to Guatemala where I had the opportunity to work with 30 wonderful Central American participants in a workshop that we sponsored there. We travel there several times a year and I always learn so much.

My connection to Guatemala began over a decade ago. As I was giving a presentation, a man raised his hand and asked if I would be willing to travel to Guatemala to conduct a program similar to the one he was attending in the United States. I said sure, knowing from experience that 99% of the time those types of requests never really materialize.

Little did I know that that request would result in a decades worth of regular yearly visits to this wonderful country. Over the years, hundreds of Guatemalans and other Central American participants have taken part in the “Learning to Love Yourself” workshops we have offered. We have trained a number of Guatemalans who this time, for the first time, brilliantly led the small groups that are the most important aspect of the workshop experience. It was a gratifying experience to watch these native people work so well with their own people. This trip completed a vision that I had the first time I worked in Guatemala, that the native Guatemalan’s would someday produce and run their own program, without people like me having to be a part of it.

When we travel to Guatemala, we are always treated incredibly well. It just so happened that the last day of this program was also my birthday. Somehow my hosts had found out, and as I was about to close the workshop, the doors burst open and in came a Mariachi Band. Suddenly everyone was on their feet and dancing, pulling me to the middle of the floor where we twirled, spun, line-danced, snake danced, and limbo-ed Latin American style. Forty minutes of joyous sweat and laughter later, the music ended. I’ve had a number of birthday celebrations in my live and this one was one I will never forget.

I keep learning that no matter where we come from or the conditions in which we live, we are all loving creatures. If given half a chance, we can and do share, willingly and openly, our love with others.

From Ted

I recently returned from a trip to Guatemala where I had the opportunity to work with 30 wonderful Central American participants in a workshop that we sponsored there. We travel there several times a year and I always learn so much.

My connection to Guatemala began over a decade ago. As I was giving a presentation, a man raised his hand and asked if I would be willing to travel to Guatemala to conduct a program similar to the one he was attending in the United States. I said sure, knowing from experience that 99% of the time those types of requests never really materialize.

Little did I know that that request would result in a decades worth of regular yearly visits to this wonderful country. Over the years, hundreds of Guatemalans and other Central American participants have taken part in the “Learning to Love Yourself” workshops we have offered. We have trained a number of Guatemalans who this time, for the first time, brilliantly led the small groups that are the most important aspect of the workshop experience. It was a gratifying experience to watch these native people work so well with their own people. This trip completed a vision that I had the first time I worked in Guatemala, that the native Guatemalan’s would someday produce and run their own program, without people like me having to be a part of it.

When we travel to Guatemala, we are always treated incredibly well. It just so happened that the last day of this program was also my birthday. Somehow my hosts had found out, and as I was about to close the workshop, the doors burst open and in came a Mariachi Band. Suddenly everyone was on their feet and dancing, pulling me to the middle of the floor where we twirled, spun, line-danced, snake danced, and limbo-ed Latin American style. Forty minutes of joyous sweat and laughter later, the music ended. I’ve had a number of birthday celebrations in my live and this one was one I will never forget.

I keep learning that no matter where we come from or the conditions in which we live, we are all loving creatures. If given half a chance, we can and do share, willingly and openly, our love with others.

Pronoia

From Ted

Pronoia. I recently ran across the term in a journal I was reading. It is a play on the word paranoia. As I read about pronoia’s premise, it made about as much sense to me as the premise of paranoia.

Paranoia is based on the belief that there are elements of the universe (people, institutions, corporations) that somehow conspire to make my life difficult. Pronoia, on the other hand, is based on the notion that forces in the universe are aligned to allow me a life of great comfort and meaning.

The concept of pronoia vs. paranoia suggests that it is simply my perception of what is happening that determines whether or not I come to the conclusion that the world is conspiring against me or for me. For example:

The rude, unfriendly, humorless airport security guard? Paranoia says “Why did he pick me out to do a further screen?” Pronoia says “Wow, the universe cares about my well-being so much that it has put this person into my life to protect me and allow me to travel safely so that I can continue to be a blessing to my friends and family.”

The loud mouth at the next table? Paranoia asks “What gives that jerk the right to spoil my dinner?” Pronoia says “This man was put before me at this moment in time by the universe to remind me of how it feels to others when I am acting that way.”

The 35 MPH driver in a 50 MPH speed zone? Paranoia says “Why does this always happen to me?” Pronoia says “The universe put this person in front of me so that I can avoid an accident that would happen if I were going faster.”

In his popular book, The Four Agreements, Jose Luis Ruiz suggests that we “take nothing personally.” That is good advice when I can do it. When I can’t help but take something personally, I try to practice pronoia.